Recipe: Whey-enhanced latte custard

My main criteria for choosing food at present are “will it keep me awake through the hell of night shift” and “how much protein is there in it”, because of the horrendous business of trying to reshape the measly human carcass and the apparent need for lots of human building material when building a human. This on occasion leads to some excellent discoveries, and this one was “it’s possible to make a latte custard or set purin/muhallebi dessert (depending on your weather and preferences) which is heavy on protein and also caffeinated”.

It’s enhanced with whey and made here with semi-skimmed milk, but there’s no actual reason why vegan readers shouldn’t just substitute pea or soya protein powder and almond or soya milk as they please, or coffee with prepared matcha for whatever spurious health beneath you believe matcha has (I drink it for the flavour, and I used matcha here because I couldn’t be fussed with making espresso), or the sucralose and vanilla with flavoured syrup, honey, or agave nectar. Really the key is in the combination & heating – the starch is essential but can be replaced with kuzu, or potato starch if you prefer.

So … think of this (as with most recipes really) as a template for creating whatever variety suits you best. I am definitely not the boss of your eating habits.


  • About a cup (small – 100ml to 150ml) of milk, whatever kind of milk it is you want. Slightly under a cup. But basically a cup.
  • One shot of cold espresso/matcha/tea/alcoholic or caffeinated (or both) substance of your choice.
  • One shot of syrup/sweetening agent/honey/date syrup/whatever. I usually use Monin chocolate cookie syrup to mitigate the bitterness of the coffee and because I’m disgusting, but for the photos I used sucralose and vanilla.
  • 1 tbsp of starch. I use corn, you can use… kuzu, potato starch, magic beans, who gives a fuck as long as it works. Have a Google for starches.
  • 1 tsp of xanthum gum. No biggie if you don’t have it, I just put it in most stuff at the moment. Delicious emulsifying agent is good for texture.
  • 1 scoop (will come with the stuff) or recommended measure of whey powder or other protein thing. For fewer calories: halve the amount of whey. Simples.
  • Any sort of garnish you fancy.


Milk, Sucralose, Vanilla, Whey, Matcha (pre-water), Cornflour, Xanthum Gum, saucepan.


  • Stove/hotplate/thing for heating up stuff which has controllable temperature.
  • Saucepan/milkpan/baked bean tin with a handle.
  • Bowl, for mixing and for setting.
  • Another bowl or a jug or something for mixing. A mug might do.
  • Fridge (assuming you intend to make the cold version)
  • Whisk
  • Milk frother thing with battery/whisk with electricity thing because you’re going to need serious arm strength to do this manually.
  • Spoon

hand whiskmilk frother

What do?

  1. Get your shot of thing. Both your shots of thing. The sweet thing and the caffeine thing. Let’s say espresso and cookie syrup for the sake of clarity. Put the cornstarch and xanthum gum in here and mix with the spoon until it’s thoroughly dissolved/evenly distributed.
  2. Do the same with the milk and the protein powder in a different vessel. Jug is probably best. Use the whisk for this.
  3. Put a bit – not much – of the milk in the shot of thing/cornstarch mixture. Put the rest in the bowl you intend to consume from/set with.
  4. Put the cornstarch mixture in the saucepan if it’s not in there already. Put that on the heat and, using a moderate heat, get that shit properly warmed. While it is heating you have to whisk the living shit out of it.
  5. Seriously you will need the ‘leccy whisk for this. You keep it going, on the heat, while constantly whisking/frothing, making sure nothing sticks, and eventually it will thicken.
  6. Once it looks like molten rock, take it off the heat.
  7. Your options are now: A) pour that into the milk and whey mix, whisk it a bit for good luck, and drink your latte custard immediately, or B) pour that into the milk and whey mix, whisk it a bit for good luck, and put it in the fridge to set.
I may have given up and used an electric whisk to properly blend it at the end. I'd advise doing the same.
I may have given up and used an electric whisk to properly blend it at the end. I’d advise doing the same.

The Next Big One: Reader Reviews

From Amazon:


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Anyone spotted any others?

(If you’re contemplating leaving a review: please do. Not only are they basically oxygen for authors, they encourage people to try the book themselves).

The Next Big One Survivors’ Group

So my most recent book has been out for a while now, and has garnered a couple of enthusiastic fans who are, I suspect, enjoying the distraction from the unbelievable shitshow that has been June across most of the world.

Some of them have enjoyed it so much they’ve set up a Facebook Group to talk about it. If you’re into that kind of thing.