How to make One Dozen Thumb Cookies With F-All Calories In

Please feel free to consider this a preview from a long-running, slow-progressing project.


  • 1 quail egg. These seem like a bastard to get hold of but can actually be picked up in Morrissons. Failing that, one fifth of an egg you’re using for something else, or like powdered egg and water or whatever to about the same quantity. We’re not here to judge you.
  • 46g of plain flour. Not wholemeal flour. Don’t do that to yourself. That shit isn’t for cakes.
  • Half a teaspoon of baking powder
  • 6g of gingerbread spices*, this is roughly 1.5 teaspoons
  • 25g low-fat cream cheese. I use Morrisons NuMe because I’m cheap and awful, but you’re looking for around the 50 calories/30g ratio if you can.
  • 17g Stevia/Truvia/very sweet caster sugar replacement.
  • Pinch of salt for the baking powder.
  • About half a teaspoon of vanilla flavouring, less if essence.


  1. Preheat yer oven to 180C.
  2. Wang some baking paper on a tray so you don’t have to lever cookies off the tray later and make extra washing up for yourself.
  3. Cream the Stevia and cream cheese together. This will likely be more sloppy and a lot less hard work than it is when doing the same thing with butter and sugar, so please rejoice in that – you shouldn’t need a food mixer or biceps that can crush a cow for this.
  4. Pop in your quail egg and vanilla, mix it all up. The business should be pretty runny at this point.
  5. Sieve over your flour, salt, spices, and baking powder, or “the rest of the ingredients” if you’re not decorating these.
  6. Mix them in. This bit’s a bit harder and you should end up with some quite doughy mix.
  7. Roll it into a big ball, then break the ball up into six. Break those balls up into twos, then flatten them with your thumb into discs (hence the name).
  8. Put your thumb discs onto the tray and in the oven for eight minutes.
  9. Enjoy delicious tiny biscuits at less than 20 calories each. (If you’re determinedly counting, the ones I’ve just detailed came out at 18.79 each or “19” if you’re not insane).

Notes for alterations:

  • To make a buttload of these (why would you do that), replace the quail egg with a normal egg and multiply all the other ingredients by four or five.
  • If you are not eating restrictively, replace cream cheese with butter, and the Stevia with 20 of brown sugar and 25g of caster sugar. Have fun creaming that until your arms hurt (or put the butter in the microwave for 30 seconds and just stir it into the sugar). If you use butter, also, reduce the flour by about five grams and don’t bother flattening the cookies – they’ll spread on their own accord.
  • Obviously you can make fewer cookies with more calories or whatever, I am not the boss of you.
  • You can replace the gingerbread spice with just cinnamon, or cocoa powder, or whatever powdery thing takes your fancy, or replace it with just more flour (which will put the calorie amounts up).

* Gingerbread spice

Useful in so many occasions, and saves measuring it all out each time. I go with the following shaken up in a jar:

  • 1 tbsp ground ginger
  • 1 tbsp ground mixed allspice
  • 1 tbsp ground cinnamon
  • 1 tsp ground nutmeg
  • 1 tsp ground cardamom (for some reason this is often hard to find, but you can buy it on Amazon)
  • 1 tsp ground cloves (again often tricky but keep trying, it’s worth it)
  • Optional: a pinch of black pepper, a pinch of wattleseed

2 thoughts on “How to make One Dozen Thumb Cookies With F-All Calories In

  1. morrisons never have quails eggs when you actaully need them though, which always seems to leave me fighting my way through waitrose on christmas eve and getting evil looks cos I snatched the last packet.

    (I love parking my knackered old ex psot office van in between all the audis and mercs at waitrose)

    1. I mean ideally I get them from the butchers at the farmers market on sundays because they’re about a quid cheaper there (they’ve already started joking about it being My Usual), but failing that the big M place actually seem to have them in and they don’t go off very fast. 😉

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